Some Things I Learnt in China

DO buy industrial strength mosquito repellent
DON’T squeeze a mosquito bite. No good will come of this

DO try all the many and varied snacks in your local shop, even if you can’t read the packaging
DON’T expect them to be anything other than some kind of tofu

 

DO brace yourself for the experiences of a new culture

DON’T ever assume you’ve smelled all the smells

 

DO try and learn Mandarin

DON’T expect anyone to understand your Mandarin

 

DO get a VPN so you can bypass the Great Firewall

DON’T expect the internet to run smoothly on and around the anniversary of those events that definitely didn’t happen

 

DO try and fit into your new city

DON’T try and work the Beijing Bikini on any UK streets

 

DO come to terms with the fact you will gain a stone

DON’T tell anyone that you’ve lost weight in China. You are in the minority, just enjoy it silently you skinny bastard

 

DO hold your breath while within a ½ mile radius of public toilets

DON’T wait until you're desperate to go (if female). You need to lessen the chance of an errant stream

 

DO carry a steady supply of tissue, as loo roll in public toilets is rare

DON’T expect actual toilets, doors or walls either

 

DO be open to new friends

DON’T give everyone the benefit of the doubt, especially the man giving you gifts. He is not a new friend. He believes he can buy you for two apples and a tenner

 

DO invest in a smog mask

DON’T burp in a smog mask

 

DO assume the crippling humiliation of attempting to complete the most minor of everyday tasks will lessen with time. It definitely won’t, but a little hope goes a long way

DON'T ever stop being amused by Chinglish. It's the little things in life that count