I went out to celebrate my birthday the other night, and the
official plan to drink and do a pub quiz and drink some more then slur songs
into a microphone fell by the wayside a short time after a triumphant bronze
finish in said quiz. I am sure this was partly because the air gave everyone a
headache, a cough and a bleak outlook, quite aside from the fact that one or
more of us may have collapsed a lung had we attempted to belt out Dog Days Are
Over.
It was then, dear reader, that I realised this smog had gone
beyond being merely unhealthy - it had bloody well stopped me from doing
karaoke. I will not let this happen on my watch. With at least another week of this
blank, grey canvas ahead, I need a bright side.* So without further ado, may I
present six reasons to be cheerful. About smog.
Staying In
Going outside is so overrated - everything wants you dead. Green men pretend they mean 'Safe to cross' but really mean 'Meh, have a go'. People riding motorbikes on pavements nearly run into you because they've pointed their vehicle in the same direction they're staring. Limiting outdoor excursions to the essential makes for more quality time at home, investing in life skills like GTAV and The Sopranos. If the universe clearly wants you to catch up on your boxsets, you must go with the flow. Which also means...
No Exercise
Running, jumping and climbing trees would be a terrible idea in this smog. Terrible. Let’s not breathe any more than we have to. To quote Joey Tribbiani (again): "Inside good. Outside bad." Plus it's really quite cold - that extra layer of fat saves on thermals.
Cosmetic Creativity
I have long enjoyed wearing bright shades of lipstick as I believe a shocking Candy Yum Yum or splash of Morange distracts the eye from the parts of my face slowly collapsing. However, wearing a pollution mask every day means that pop of colour usually confined to the lips becomes a smear of colour smudged around the general mouth area. Taken with the strapmarks left on the prematurely-aged skin and the rubbing away of all concealer so that each spot is shined up like a new penny, the elderly acned clown look is SO fashion forward, I can't even deal.
CODEINE ME
My chemist trips in Beijing have had me coming away with multiple boxes of herbal concoctions requiring I take 12 pills every half an hour, suck on a tiny bottle three times a day and rub dragon penis in my eye. That last one is not true. Anyway, I ask friends and family to bring me Western painkillers when they visit. For space/luggage reasons, I limit my requests to one of the strongest OTCs available - ibuprofen and codeine. Thus, when I have an ailment, say, a cold, a smog-related headache or an alcohol-related shame spiral, there is no half-arsed paracetamol solution available - only a delicious codeine hug telling me everything will be okay. I am completely out of my tree right now, in fact.
Eating The Blues
AQI depression = do what you can to feel better. I have just spent an entire work shift eating chocolate and chilli-oil soaked peanuts. They encourage production of endorphins or some shit.
Who Needs To Smoke?
Are you sick of the time-consuming process of dragging a cigarette fully out of a packet, locating the correct end, hefting it towards your face and applying dangerous fire to the glorious chemicals within, all just so you can indulge your basic human right to breathe in some cancerous fumes? Move to China! No need to bother with that smoking malarkey when you wake up in the morning feeling like you caned a twenty deck the night before anyway. Result! **
Going outside is so overrated - everything wants you dead. Green men pretend they mean 'Safe to cross' but really mean 'Meh, have a go'. People riding motorbikes on pavements nearly run into you because they've pointed their vehicle in the same direction they're staring. Limiting outdoor excursions to the essential makes for more quality time at home, investing in life skills like GTAV and The Sopranos. If the universe clearly wants you to catch up on your boxsets, you must go with the flow. Which also means...
No Exercise
Running, jumping and climbing trees would be a terrible idea in this smog. Terrible. Let’s not breathe any more than we have to. To quote Joey Tribbiani (again): "Inside good. Outside bad." Plus it's really quite cold - that extra layer of fat saves on thermals.
Cosmetic Creativity
I have long enjoyed wearing bright shades of lipstick as I believe a shocking Candy Yum Yum or splash of Morange distracts the eye from the parts of my face slowly collapsing. However, wearing a pollution mask every day means that pop of colour usually confined to the lips becomes a smear of colour smudged around the general mouth area. Taken with the strapmarks left on the prematurely-aged skin and the rubbing away of all concealer so that each spot is shined up like a new penny, the elderly acned clown look is SO fashion forward, I can't even deal.
CODEINE ME
My chemist trips in Beijing have had me coming away with multiple boxes of herbal concoctions requiring I take 12 pills every half an hour, suck on a tiny bottle three times a day and rub dragon penis in my eye. That last one is not true. Anyway, I ask friends and family to bring me Western painkillers when they visit. For space/luggage reasons, I limit my requests to one of the strongest OTCs available - ibuprofen and codeine. Thus, when I have an ailment, say, a cold, a smog-related headache or an alcohol-related shame spiral, there is no half-arsed paracetamol solution available - only a delicious codeine hug telling me everything will be okay. I am completely out of my tree right now, in fact.
Eating The Blues
AQI depression = do what you can to feel better. I have just spent an entire work shift eating chocolate and chilli-oil soaked peanuts. They encourage production of endorphins or some shit.
Who Needs To Smoke?
Are you sick of the time-consuming process of dragging a cigarette fully out of a packet, locating the correct end, hefting it towards your face and applying dangerous fire to the glorious chemicals within, all just so you can indulge your basic human right to breathe in some cancerous fumes? Move to China! No need to bother with that smoking malarkey when you wake up in the morning feeling like you caned a twenty deck the night before anyway. Result! **
* Halfway through writing this, I remembered this story. I
would like to stress that I have in no way been coerced into writing about the
benefits of air pollution
** Of course, me not smoking for over a month now [pause for
applause, bow] is a genuine benefit and I am in no way missing making the
choice to endanger my health myself by inhaling toxic, tasty air. Not. At. All
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